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Ouch. [01 Mar 2010|09:18pm]


Yesterday I hurt someone’s feelings.

The feelings of the boy I’ve been sleeping with.

It shook me up,

                Because I’m not used to hurting other people.


I try hard not to.

I think about these things.


But I did, and although he said ‘Don’t worry about it’..

                ..I’m worrying about it.


I know it’s nothing. No big deal. I shouldn’t worry about it.

But –

                And this sounds strange, I know-

It’s been so long since I’ve knowingly hurt someone’s feelings..

                ..since I’ve had to apologize.

I hate this feeling.


And it’s not even because I’m sleeping with him.

It’s because he’s my friend.


And the worst part is, now he’s acting differently.

He said it’s no big deal.

I believed him until this afternoon.


Yes, there are things I want to happen between us sexually.

But more than that, I don’t want to have a dent in our friendship.



Why do people say don’t worry about it,

                when they don’t mean it?


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[12 Jan 2010|09:35pm]
Six years ago today,
I was begging my mom to let me spend the night at the hospital
in case Joe woke up from his coma overnight.

Every January 12th, one word rattles around in my head all day:

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Writer's Block: Change is good [04 Nov 2009|10:55pm]
If you could change one major thing about your life, whether a relationship, your job, your living situation, your school, etc., what would it be? Are you currently working toward a serious life transition?

So many answers are things people actually could change: jobs, location, what they get out of school...it makes me sad and frustrated, knowing people are wasting so much energy and life on that which can be changed. All it takes is a little impulsiveness, some courage, and a deep breath. 

What I would change, I can't. So I'm content.

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[09 Jan 2009|08:41am]
Nothing is ever good or bad-only thinking makes it so.

I am one person out of many.

The past and future are simply ideas. There is only right now.

Want and should are the same-doing what one wants is key to happiness. 

It is enough.
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Me Gusta! [29 Aug 2006|10:03pm]
Come on. > This is funny, funny shit!

Browse around. This is my new favorite store.
12 comments|post comment

[30 Jan 2005|06:21pm]
[ mood | blah ]

I made a Quiz for you! Take my Quiz! and then Check out the Scoreboard!

yeah. i don't know about all you hepcats, but this is what I spend MY saturday nights doing.

10 comments|post comment

[27 Jan 2005|11:23pm]
[ mood | Dissapointed ]

Your Dominant Intelligence is Spatial Intelligence

You've got a good sense of space and how the world around you looks.
You can close your eyes and "see" images. You have innate artistic talent.
An eye for color and shapes, you're also a natural designer.
Since you think in pictures, visual aids and demonstartions help you learn best.

You would make a good navigator, sculptor, visual artist, inventor, architect, interior designer, or engineer.

"and all her friends tell her she's so pretty, but she'd be a whole lot prettier if she'd smile once in awhile. because even her smile looks like a frown. she's seen her share of devils in the angel town."
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[26 Jan 2005|10:20pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

up again and i don't know what to do. i already spend all evening on an essay, and i don't think it's even that good. i hate that. i hate having to revise a paper. not because of the work, but because i like to get it right the first time. dammit.

i have so much i need to do......

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[25 Jan 2005|02:58pm]
Last cigarette: right now, as i'm writing this. Mark just lit me one. i love that he can light a Zippo with his enormous cock....that's hot! makes you think what else it can do...!!!
Last car ride: *car* ride? when a stunning blonde drove me home last night. in his Porche. we had to be careful to keep it clean (but not *too* careful!)
Last kiss: a few minutes ago!
Last good cry: a few weeks ago, when i learned that my favorite sex toy store was going to be closed over the weekend.
Last library book checked out: 101 Ways to Give-And Receive-Fellatio. hey-i'm literate!!
Last movie seen: A Fireman and his Hose. it's great-about a fireman who saves this girl from a housefire, and then does her in the ashes.
Last book read: Kama Sutra. my bible!!!
Last cuss word uttered: Fuck. of course!
Last food consumed: some cherries, strawberries, whipped cream and chocolate syrup. this guy really had a food fetish. but he didn't look it at all, believe me!!
Last crush: Hugh Hefner. god what i wouldn't give to do him. or, for looks, Fabio. i hear he goes all night, and can send a girl into orbit, if you know what i mean!
Last phone call: my dealer, and to check the status of some new thongs i ordered online.
Last TV show watched: i don't have time for tv. i've got *better* things to do!
Last time showered: this morning...with a rich politicion's son. ;)
Last shoes worn: 4-inch black stilettos.
Last cd played: the soudntrack to Tom and Pamela's home video sex tape.
Last item bought: i just ordered a vibrating mattress, but the last thing i *bought* was some E, a jumbo-pak of flavored condoms, and some whipped cream. al from the same store, too.
Last downloaded: the newest porn my friend's in. and some porn for myself, and some sex music, too.
Last annoyance: this guy a few days ago...
Last disappointment: same guy. just couldn't get going, if you know what i mean. he was cute, too.
Last soda drank: psh. i had a gin/tonic for breakfast, if that counts.
Last thing written: ! (doing this bottom to top, nice and proper)
Last key used: !
Last words spoken: Oh god, let's do that again!
Last sleep: hahahaha. if you mean sleep like 'unconcious state', then last night, in the arms of a muscular Brazilian named Jorreo.
Last sexual fantasy: oh come on (no pun intended). any fantasy i might have always turns into reality, so 'fantasy' just isn't in my vocabulary!
Last weird encounter: last week, when i hooked up with one guy, and then saw him later that night and started hitting on him. it was his twin! but that's ok, because the second twin ended up being better than the first.
Last ice cream eaten: chocolate, off of a naked male model's flawless grion.
Last time amused: i amused myself this morning, before i even go out of bed. ;)
Last time wanting to die: when i was coming down from a major E trip. great times before that, though. best sex i ever had.
Last time in love: when i received my new Xtreme dildo yesterday. girls' night in tonight, that's for sure.
Last time scolded: haha-depends on what the guy's into. last night this guy i picked up spent all thirty minutes scolding and spanking me. hey-we both got something out of it, so whatever.
Last time resentful: towards those two guys who payed me for one service. ugh.
Last lipstick used: bright red
Last underwear worn: my wonderful Butterfly (remote control vibrating thong)
Last shirt worn: haha. i don't end up wearing many shirts. anything i do wear ends up coming right off pretty soon after i put it on...
Last time dancing: do lapdances count?
Last poster looked at: the porn in my closet. shhh.
Last show attended: went to a strip bar last night..
Last web page visited: before this, sextoys.com
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[24 Jan 2005|08:33pm]
[ mood | irritated ]

it's probably just the adderall talking, but i'm having a bad day. it's not like anything specific happened (other than me being out of cigarettes and not being able to access my history class' website)...i'm just having one of those days where it's just kind of blah. i went for a good ride, though. i need to ride more. this isn't good. i'm so out of shape.
there's like 6 people downstairs in my tv room. since when is monday night a get-together night?

yeah. i'm bored and lonely.

"and i think it's gonna be a long long time..."

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[23 Jan 2005|12:14pm]

You Should Try Running with the Bulls

Exhilarating, but not as dangerous as it might seem.
You're more likely to get crushed by a person than a bull!

You Know You're From Seattle When...

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian

You feel guilty throwing an aluminum can in the trash.

You use the words "sun break" and know what it means.

You know more than 10 words to describe a cup of coffee.

You know what a dry cappachino is.

You obey all traffic laws EXCEPT "keep right except to pass."

You know at least eight people who work for either Microsoft or Boeing.

You invite twice as many people as you really want to a party since only half will actually show up.

You know what Lutefiske is.

You personally know someone from Alaska.

You consider floating bridges a pain in the butt, not an engineering marvel.

You know how to pronounce "Sequim", "Puyallup" and "Issaquah."

You have roots in Oregon, Idaho or Montana, but wanted a high paying job.

You've tried to get a job in Alaska, especially a summer job only.

You think skiing always means being covered from head to toe, on snow or water.

You know at least three Microsoft burnouts, of which two are millionaires.

You use more than 5 words to order a cup of coffee. "I want to order an unleaded, double, short, skinny, wet cappuccino with a shot of Amaretto please."

A "designer" wardrobe comes from REI, Eddie Bauer, Lands End, and Birkenstock.

You consider it a sunny day if the sun is visible at some point of the day.

You've been "snow" skiing in the RAIN more than in the snow.

When you're discussing rainforests and volcanoes, you're NOT talking about Hawaii.

You Remember the Kingdome

You have tried to forget about WTO

You know how BLUE the skies are here compared to Eastern Washington

The guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like Phyllis Diller is really a trans named Eva Destruction that used to play with Hole.

Your car insurance costs more because your neighbors don't have any!

Your mayor is straight, 1/2 your friends are gay, the man who delivers your mail has a bumper sticker that reads "when they pry it from my cold dead fingers....", and your Burger World drive thru order taker was a computer millionaire last week.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Seattle.

You Know You're Jewish When....

You spent your entire childhood thinking everyone called pot roast "brisket."

You grew up thinking it was normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door when you were in there longer than 3 minutes.

Your family dog responded to commands in Yiddish.

Every Saturday morning your father went to the neighborhood deli (called an "appetizing store") for whitefish salad, whitefish ("chubs"), lox (nova if you were rich!), herring, corned beef, roast beef, cole slaw, potato salad, a 1/2-dozen huge barrel pickles, a dozen assorted bagels, cream cheese and rye bread (sliced while he waited) .. all of which would be strictly off-limits until Sunday morning.

Every Sunday afternoon was spent visiting your grandparents and/or other relatives.

You experienced the phenomenon of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.

You had at least one female relative who penciled on eyebrows which were always asymmetrical.

You thought pasta was stuff used exclusively for Kugel and kasha with bowties.

You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.

You were as tall as your grandfather by the age seven and a half.

You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes (berg, baum, man, stein and witz.)

You were surprised to discover that wine doesn't always taste like cranberry sauce.

You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.

Your mother smacked you really hard and continues to make you feel bad for hurting her hand.

You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.

You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean. Kinahurra.

You're still angry at your parents for not speaking both Yiddish and English to you when you were a baby.

You have at least one ancestor who is somehow related to your spouse's ancestor.

Your grandparent's newly washed linoleum floor was covered with the NY Times, which your grandparents could not read.

You thought speaking loud was normal.

You considered your Bar or Bat Mitzvah a "Get Out of Hebrew School Free" card.

You think eating half a jar of dill pickles is a wholesome snack.

You're compelled to mention your grandmother's "steel cannonballs" upon seeing fluffy matzo balls served at restaurants.

You buy 3 shopping bags worth of hot bagels on every trip to NYC and ship them home via FedEx. (Or, if you live near NYC or Philadelphia or another Jewish city hub, you drive 3 hours just to buy a dozen "real" bagels.)

Your mother took personal pride when a Jew was noted for some accomplishment (showbiz, medicine, politics, etc.) and was ashamed and embarrassed when a Jew was accused of a crime .. as if they were relatives.

You thought sleepaway college was only where non-Jews went ... Jews went to city schools ... unless they had scholarships or made an Ivy League school.

And finally, you knew that Sunday night and the night after any Jewish holiday was designated for Chinese food.

You're proud to be Jewish - and you pass these jokes on to all your Jewish friends!

Get Your Own "You Know You're" Meme Here

More cool things for your blog at
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[23 Jan 2005|12:00pm]
ok, travis and mickey were at travis' house, but his parents didn't know that. turns out they'd gone to a rave last night and travis dropped like two e-bombs and is passed out at his house. mickey's in trouble, because i think his mom knows, and i don't even care what happens to travis. he's damn good at letting people down.
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[23 Jan 2005|11:56am]

You Know You're Addicted to Coffee When...

You can jump start your car without cables.

You answer the door before people knock.

You get a speeding ticket even when you are parked.

You've worn out your third pair of shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open even when you sneeze.

You grind coffee beans in your mouth.

You can type sixty words per minute -- with your feet.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

Instant coffee takes too long to make.

You channel surf faster without the remote.

You don't sweat... you percolate.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

You short out motion detectors.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

The only time you are standing still is during an earthquake!

You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

All your kids are named Joe.

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

When someone asks 'How are you?' you say, 'Good to the last drop'.

You buy milk by the barrel.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You can't even remember your second cup.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

You don't get mad, you get steamed.

You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.

You don't tan, you roast.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.

You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

You name your cats Cream and Sugar.

You ski uphill.

You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.

You speed-walk in your sleep.

You spend every vacation visiting Maxwell House.

You think being called a drip is a compliment.

You think CPR stands for Coffee Provides Resuscitation.

You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.

Your taste buds are so numb; you could drink your lava lamp.

Your Thermos is on wheels.

You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

You've worn out the handle on your favourite mug.

You take your morning coffee with you in the shower.

Your heart beats noticeably faster as a reaction to the smell of coffee.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to coffee.

Get Your Own Addicted Meme Here

More cool things for your blog at
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[23 Jan 2005|09:58am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

well fuck. travis and hayley andi were supposed to go riding today, but when i called travis, he wasn't home. then hayley called mickey, and he was at johns house. so i called john, and he said that neither of them were there. so i called mickey's house again, and neither of them were there. so we don't know where they are.
i'm sure they're fine. i'm just pissed because the three of us planned this like four days ago, and travis could have at least called. now no one knows where they are, they don't have cell phones, and hayley and i just aren't gonna go today.
i should have known he wouldn't come through. i shouldn't have gotten my hopes up on him again.
i think i'll still call him later, though...

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[20 Jan 2005|07:17am]
Not One Damn Dime


Since our leaders don't have the moral courage to speak out against the war in Iraq, Inauguration Day, Thursday, January 20th, 2005 is "Not One Damn Dime Day" in America.

On "Not One Damn Dime Day" those who oppose what is happening in our name in Iraq can speak up with a 24-hour national boycott of all forms of consumer spending.

During "Not One Damn Dime Day" please don't spend money, and don't use your credit card. Not one damn dime for gasoline. Not one damn dime for necessities or for impulse purchases. Nor toll/cab/bus or train ride money exchanges. Not one damn dime for anything for 24 hours.

On "Not One Damn Dime Day," please boycott Walmart, KMart and Target. Please don't go to the mall or the local convenience store. Please don't buy any fast food (or any groceries at all for that matter).

For 24 hours, please do what you can to shut the retail economy down. The object is simple. Remind the people in power that the war in Iraq is immoral and illegal; that they are responsible for starting it and that it is their responsibility to stop it.

it goes on and on....check it out.
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[18 Jan 2005|02:29pm]
[ mood | content ]

does anyone want to pay me to do a commission of something? like art? like i turn a meaningful photograph into a meaningful drawing/painting? for money?
god i'm so broke.

i can draw horses well...
(for those who knew me in middle school-god. i thought i was SO GOOD at drawing back then. i SUCKED. one day soon i'll post some old drawings from like five years ago when i thought i was the shit. god. they're awful. if you knew me back then, and told me i was a good artist-WHY DID YOU DO THAT????)

i'm.....(half).....kidding about the commission thing.
i'm not kidding about being desperate for money.

13 comments|post comment

[18 Jan 2005|01:59pm]
[ mood | tired ]

so far so good. no food. the adderall last night is what's keeping me going.
i *almost* had a french fry, but as i grabbed for it, i remembered that i'm not eating today. so i stopped. yay!
i should drink some water, but to be honest, going to the bathroom is a waste of time.
haha. cuz i'm so busy with much more important things. like saving the world....?!
seriously. if i could survive without food, sleeping or going to the bathroom, i'd love it. i'd have so much time to do everything, and to do nothing! of course, i could still sleep when i wanted to, but i'd never *have* to. that'd be ideal.

i love my new sweater. it's black and tiny and stretchy and it's got these nifty patches on it that say "too fast to live" on the top and "too young to die" on the bottom. and some cool james dean thingy inbetween. i just love it because i love that quote.
i also like his other famous one, and maybe even moreso than the latter one: "live as if you'll die tomorrow, dream as if you'll never die".
*sigh* beautiful, talented people always die young. i'm glad i'm neither. and the really smart, useful people always get cancer. i'm glad i'm not that, either.
seriously. tragedy never hits schmucks. think about it.
(i'm not really serious, folks. but we all know what i mean.)
i'm just tired and rambling because i was up all night (*thank you* adderall!) doing mass homework and reading the most boring book i've ever read. i never would have been able to read it otherwise. blech. and then i wrote a paper on it.
**don't you HATE when you go to turn in a paper you spent HOUS on and RIGHT BEFORE you hand it in, you're rereading it one last time and then, THEN, you notice typos!!! and it's too late to fix them, and it looks tacky and unprofessional to cross them out...i hate that. that happened to me today. aparently, i can't even work the cut/paste on my damn computer, so the same sentance showed up a few and a half times. haha. so i told my instructor and he was just like 'don't even worry about it. it's about the content. i don't really care.' i love having a cynical teacher. haha. i think him and i are going to get along quite well. :D
this has been like the longest entry ever. i haven't even ben typing for that long, but i've been working on it for like 30 minutes. i keep getting phone calls. adults are really lonely people. they'll talk your ear off your f*ing face. i know like three or four adults that i work in close proxinity with (of? with? i don't know) and they just talk and talk and talk. and because they're getting senile, they most often just tell you the same thing over and over. and you don't want to be rude and say "yeah, you told me already. twice. this week," but you just DON'T want to listen to some damn stupid story for the eighteenth time!
argh. my desk lamp light bulb is burnt out. and it's one of those weird little ones, not a regular bulb, so i can't change it. and it's driving me nuts.

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[16 Jan 2005|09:27pm]
[ mood | blah ]

what a weird, unproductive day.
i spent all morning being fat, then all afternoon throwing a third of my clothes into goodwill, then i started a new drawing, then i had a turning point kind of fight with my dad (basically, he said he doesn't want to 'lose anymore time with me than we've already lost' and i told him then he'd better respect me) and then i got fatter and then i worked some more on the drawing. and now i'm here being bored and craving chocolate and ice cream. stupid cramps. they don't help with diets that *had* been going well.
and i left my coat in stanwood. that's an hour and a half away. and the coat had my damn cigarettes in it. and i have NO MONEY to buy more. so i'm FUCKED. i might be able to scrounge up some change for some tomorrow. but after today, i'd really love one. or two. or five.

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[15 Jan 2005|11:11pm]
You scored as Loner.










Drama nerd






Ghetto gangsta


What's Your High School Stereotype?
created with QuizFarm.com
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[13 Jan 2005|09:31pm]

You Are 22 Years Old


Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

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